Funny jokes about

Funny jokes about men vs. women. In a strange way although it is funny it is somehow true. I don’t even know how we manage to stand each other. Anyway I’m glad that we can!

RELATIONSHIPS:

Very first, a guy doesn’t call a romantic relationship a romantic relationship – he refers to

it as “that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis.”

When a romantic relationship ends, a lady will cry and pour her heart out to her

girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Males Are Idiots.” Then she

will get on with her life.

A guy has a bit more trouble letting go. Six months following the breakup- at 3

am early on a Sunday morning – he will call and say “I just wanted you to let

you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and

you’re a total floozy. But I really want you to know there’s always a chance for us.”

This is called the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all

males have made at least one time. You will find community colleges that provide courses to

assist males get over this require; unfortunately these classes rarely prove efficient.

SEX:

Ladies choose 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

Males choose 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Males think about driving back to her place as

the main foreplay.

MATURITY:

Ladies mature much quicker than males. Most 17-year-old females can function as

adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other

wedgies following gym class. For this reason high school romances rarely work out.

HATS:Ladies appear great in hats; males appear like dinks.

In the ZOO:

The difference between women and men is visible in the Zoo within the

monkey house within the reaction women and men need to reactions of monkey antics like lice picking,

scurrying around, screaming and playing with themselves in public:

Ladies go, “Oh that’s disgusting, I can’t watch this and leave.”

At the same time the guys are thinking, “Hey, I could do that.”

COMEDY:

Let’s say a little group of women and men are in a living room, looking at tv, and an episode of

“The Three Stooges” shows up :

Instantly, the males will get really fired up – they will laugh uproariously, and actually attempt to simulate

the actions of Curly, undoubtedly each and every male’s preferred Stooge.

The ladies will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.

HANDWRITING:

To their credit, males don’t decorate their penmanship. They just

chicken-scratch.

Ladies use scented, colored stationery and they dot their “i’s” with

circles and hearts. Ladies use ridiculously big loops in their “p’s”

and “g’s.” It’s a royal pain to read a note from a lady. Even when

she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the conclusion of the note.

BATHROOMS:

A guy has at most six products in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving

cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of products in a typiical woman’s bathroom is 437. A guy would

be unable to identify many of these products.

MAGAZINES:

Male’s magazines frequently feature pictures of naked ladies.

Ladies magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. The reason being the

female body is really a stunning thing of beauty, while the male body is hairy and lumpy

and shouldn’t be seen by the light of day.

GROCERIES:

A lady makes a summary of points she needs and then goes to the store and buys

these points.

A guy waits until the only products left in his fridge are half of a lemon,

and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything

that looks great. When he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is

packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Obviously,

this will not stop him from visiting the 10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT:

When a guy says he’s all set out, it indicates he’s all set out.

When a lady says she’s all set out, it indicates that she WILL be ready to go

out, the moment she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…etc.

You are agree with the lines written in this funny joke? You can ask others if they are, just make it social and read the comments after that:)

For more of this you should come back for the second part , for more funny jokes about girls or funny jokes about ladies .

Funny jokes about girls or how they are making our lives bitter sweet:))

Funny jokes about girls! Also available for ladies or any woman over 18 who is not single ! )

In fact I think it’s about a sort of magic or some stuff like that. When they are alone or they don’t know you like them there is no problem, you can talk to them normally and very many of them are nice people but in the moment they realize you want more than just a chat friend,  the magic comes in place and ….read below what is happening )

Oh!…Ladies!
If you’re nicely dressed, she thinks you are a playboy.
If you’re not, she thinks you are rugged.
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman,
If you do not, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are a liar,
If you do not, you are great for absolutely nothing.
If you agree with all her likes, she is abusing,
If you do not, you are not knowing.
If you go to her frequently, she thinks you are boring,
If you do not, she accuses you of double-crossing.
If you go to one more, she accuses you of becoming a heel,
If she is visited by one more, “Oh! It is all natural, we’re girls.”
If you’re a minute late, she complains, “It’s difficult to wait.”
If you arrive on time, for hours she can make you wait.
If you propose sex inside a brief acquaintanceship, you are a fresh guy,
If you postpone sex later, she wonders why.
If you fail to help her in crossing a street, you lack ethic,
If you do, she thinks it is just one of man’s tactics.
If you’re jealous, she says it is poor,
If you’re not, she doubts your adore, and isn’t glad.
If you attempt romance, she says you do not respect her,
If you do not, she thinks you do not like her.
If you listen, she would like you to speak,
If you speak, she would like you to listen.
If you contradict her, she doesn’t like it,
If you do not, she believes you are easily fooled.

P.S.

The title is “Funny jokes about girls” . The word jokes suggest more jokes than one but the second funny joke I intended to put in this post it was to long and I will put it in another post. If  you liked this funny joke just spread it.

For more jokes related with  “Funny jokes about girls” try to look into “Funny jokes about blondes” category  )

Funny jokes about sex and love or Murphy’s ideeas about sex and love

Murphy’s Laws On Adore and Sexual intercourse

The much more stunning the lady is who loves you, the simpler it’s to leave her with no difficult feelings. Absolutely nothing improves with age. Regardless of how numerous times you’ve had it, if it is offered take it, simply because it’ll by no means be very the exact same again. Sexual intercourse has no calories. Sexual intercourse takes up the least period of time and causes the most quantity of trouble. There isn’t a remedy for sexual intercourse but much more sexual intercourse. Sexual intercourse appeal is 50% what you’ve obtained and 50% what individuals believe you’ve obtained. No sexual intercourse with anybody within the exact same office. Sexual intercourse is like snow; you never know how numerous inches you are likely to get or how lengthy it’ll last. A guy in your house is worth two in the street. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will adhere to. Virginity is usually quite curable. When a man’s wife learns to comprehend him, she generally stops listening to him. and vice versa..
. By no means sleep with anybody crazier than yourself. The qualities that most attract a lady to a guy are generally the exact same ones she can’t stand years later. Sexual intercourse is dirty only if it is done correct. It is usually the wrong time of month. The ultimate way to hold a guy is inside your arms. When the lights are out, all ladies are stunning. Sexual intercourse is hereditary. If your parents by no means had it, you won’t either. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The younger the much better. The game of adore is by no means known as off due to darkness. It was not the apple about the tree but the pair in the grass that caused the trouble within the garden. Sexual intercourse discriminates against the shy and also the ugly. Prior to you discover your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss loads of frogs. There might be some points much better than sexual intercourse, and some points worse than sexual intercourse. However, there is absolutely nothing exactly like it. Adore your neighbor, but do not get caught. Adore is really a hole within the heart. If the effort that went in research about the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands about the moon. Adore is a point of chemistry, sexual intercourse is a matter of physics. Do it only using the greatest. Sexual intercourse is really a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 1 great turn gets the vast majority of blankets. You can’t produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating nine ladies. Adore may be the triumph of imagination more than intelligence. Marketing and advertising to have loved and lost than by no means to have loved at all. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless within the mood. By no means lie down having a lady who’s obtained much more troubles than you. Abstain from wine, ladies, and song; mostly song. By no means argue having a ladies when she’s tired, or rested. A lady by no means forgets the men she could have had; a guy, the ladies he couldn’t. What matters isn’t the length of the wand, but the magic within the stick. Advertising and marketing to be looked more than than overlooked. By no means say no. A guy can enjoy a any lady providing he doesn’t adore her. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes correct towards the bone. A guy is only a guy, but a great bicycle is really a ride. Adore comes in spurts. Sexual intercourse is amongst the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Keep away if you cannot keep it up. There is no difference between a wise guy along with a fool when they just fall in love. By no means hit the sack mad, remain up and fight. Adore may be the delusion that 1 male or female differs from an additional. “This won’t hurt, I promise.”

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Funny jokes about condoms , teenagers , pharmacists and read yourlsef:))

A teenager of about 17 has a hot date having a girl, so he went towards the pharmacy to purchase some condoms.

(Conversation as follows)

Pharm: What can I help you achieve?
Teen: I’d like touh.. ah…purchase a condom.
Pharm: Ok. Here you’re. (Sets condom, on counter.)
Teen: (Thinking that was rather simple and painless) Nicely, now that I believe about it, I believe I’ll be needing two condoms.
Pharm: Nicely, ok. (Gets an additional 1).
Teen: (Obtaining bolder.) Really, its a pretty hot date I have tonight, I
believe I’ll be needing four condoms.
(Teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he wants until he’s leaving the pharmacy with 2 dozen condoms)
Now the teenager arrives at his girlfriend’s home. She tells him that he’s
invited to remain for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the table with all of her family. The father asks if he’d like to say grace prior to beginning the meal. He accepts and says the following:
Teen: Oh Lord, thank you for this food and also the hands that made it, and also the individuals who used your time to grow it and..
. (goes on for nearly 10 minutes, blessing EVERYTHING including the table, the silverware, all of the containers, the floor, etc…) .
..AMEN.
Girl: Gee, I didn’t know that you were truly religious.
Teen: Nicely, I didn’t know that your dad was a pharmacist.

I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a ‘Tested to British Safety Standards’ sign on it..
. Underneath somebody had scrawled…

.SO WAS THE TITANIC !!’

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and approaches the counter exactly where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets close to to helping him he says, “I’d like 99 condoms please”. Having a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, “99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!” to which the guy replies, “Make it 100″.

Are you ready for 3 sizes in which condoms are sold? Big, medium, and Caucasian.

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. The minute he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. Morning, the exact same performance, using the guy walking out laughing fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the guy returns, to adhere to him. Certain sufficient, he comes into the store the next time, repeating his actions as soon as much more. The assistant duly follows. Around 30 minutes later, he returns. “So did you adhere to him?” “I did.” “And..
.exactly where did he go?” “Over to your home..
.”

What does Kodak along with a condom have in typical? You use both to catch those special moments!!!

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Funny joke about two blonde man? I know that sounds unbelievable but if there are blonde women there also should be blonde men. And there they are:)) !

Two blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and
said, “I’ve got to take a shit.”
The other said, “Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit.”
The first one said, “But I don’t have any paper to wipe my ass.” The
other blonde replied, “You have a dollar, don’t you?”
The first one said, “Yeah, I’ve got a dollar. That’s a great idea–
I’ll use that!”
He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, “What in the hell happened to
you?”
The first one replied, “Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3
quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?”

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Funny jokes about situations in sex life. I trully hope that you are not Pinocchio or that sombody owes you one:)) ! 

Two good friends:
- Tonight I’m going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Obviously! How numerous individuals are coming?
- Three, should you bring your sweetheart.
A small boy asked his mommy:
- Mommy, why are you white and I’m black?
- Do not even ask me that, when I remember that party…, you’re lucky that you do not bark.

1 woman stops a taxi.
- Towards the airport, please.
Right after ten minutes the taxi driver, watching the woman within the mirror, says:
- You’re third pregnant woman that I’ve driven towards the airport these days.
- Are you kidding me, I’m not pregnant.
- Nicely, you haven’t arrived towards the international airport yet neither.

1 man calls emergency:
- Come instantly, my small son has swallowed a condom!
Right after five minutes, the same man calls back:
- It’s OK, I discovered one more 1.

Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Dad my dick is all jagged and crooked so I’ve no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that ought to not be a issue. Go towards the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
Right after some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Nicely, did you resolve the issue with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.

Funny jokes about boys and girlfriends, all type of them:))

Pay attention , it might be useful

It has been almost 20 years since Consumer Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR,
Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been
introduced, and the market has changed substantially. Clearly, another
report was long overdue.  Here's the latest report:

Identifying Your Needs
----------------------
As with any major purchase, before obtaining a girlfriend you should ask
yourself exactly why you need one. Do you want an intellectual companion?  A
baby factory? A hiking partner?  Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex?
Identifying your needs is the first and most important step in selecting a
girlfriend.

The potential girlfriends you see in most showrooms tend to be loaded with
the usual flashy accessories -- large breasts, long legs, blonde hair, etc.
However, there is also a wide variety of accessories designed to appeal to
fringe markets. For example, some models come pre-equipped with pets and/or
children; others can run 10 miles while chanting Sanskrit. You should make a
list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked.  Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a
large bosom) must be factory-installed.

Determine Your Budget
---------------------
The second question, of course, is what sort of girlfriend you can afford.
The answer is largely determined by your physical and personal
characteristics. If you are good-looking and have a commanding personality
and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy,
high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear
polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power
in mind when considering your selection.

Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CR
does not recommend this practice: due to inflating expectations, the required
monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?
--------------
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new
or used girlfriend.  The answer to this question will, roughly speaking,
be determined by your age:

Your age        Used or New
 --------        -----------
13-18 years     New
19-30 years     Lightly used
31-45 years     Extensively used
45+             New***

***Only if income exceeds $250,000/year. Otherwise, "Divorced, with kids."

New girlfriends offer the advantage of having no previous bad experiences to
project upon you. The disadvantage is that they will rarely be old enough to
open a checking account.

Used girlfriends, on the other hand, tend to be steady, reliable performers,
with the initial problems worked out. CR does advise that you use caution
when choosing models that have significantly higher than average mileage
(2.1 SO's/yr). This may be an indication that the girlfriend was a
professional.

CR's Methodology
-----------------
For our purposes, girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test
engineers, selected to typify the average male population.  All tests were
performed at CU's specially constructed facility, which included a bedroom,
kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding
the facility.  A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product
according to the following criteria: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy,
initiative, looks, and performance.

Results
--------
Girlfriends are categorized by similarity.  Within each category, variation
is not statistically significant.

Category        Comments
---------        ----------------------------------------------------
Goddess         This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped
                with all of the options you want and none of the ones you
                don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give
                you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean
                even if you don't say it, and break a bed with her
                enthusiasm. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is
                that this model is not actually available.

Goddess-in-law  This model is similar to the Goddess, but comes with
                contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband,
                a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty
                kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.

Ms. Right       The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations.
                Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except
                possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than
                that, an excellent long-term investment. Availability is
                extremely limited but can occasionally be found with luck.

Babe            This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the
                options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers
                and empathy. Showy, suitable for a parade or for impressing
                your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.

Friend          The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but
                tends to be aesthetically lacking. Availability is poor
                to fair depending on quality.

Yeah, Her       The Chevy Nova of girlfriends. Widely available, but
                useful only in a pinch, if no others are available.
                Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, with a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CR wish you Happy Hunting!

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Funny joke about advertisingor how an window can attract customers, wrong ones:))
A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts
looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she
finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally,
she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches
ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch
on the counter in front of the proprietor.

Tourist: “would you please repair this watch.”

Proprietor: “Madam, I cannot repair your watch.”

T: “But why not? It is an ordinary model”

P: “Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions”

T (irritated): “Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?”

P: “Well, and what should I have in my window?”

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Funny jokes about differences between men and women. In fact it’s just one jokes, differences are more than one:)

Differences between men and women Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy Dumb man + smart woman = affair Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and ove him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

If I liked this joke a lot does it mean that I have something against women? Not at all , it’s just a funny joke:)) !

Yo momma is so fat. You have to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.